You Don’t Have to Like Yourself to Love Yourself

The Truth Most People Get Wrong About Self‑Love

I've had people ask me, "How do I love myself when I don't like anything about me?"

Then, they'd start listing all the things they hate.

My truth was that all the things I hated about myself didn't come from me. It came from my family, peers at school, work colleagues, exes, or society.

Or it came from pain.

When people left, used, and abused me, pain told me that I was unworthy of love. I was broken, damaged, and unlovable now.

The noise convinced me that everything about me was wrong.

I didn't like my hair; therefore, I hated myself.

I didn't like my body; therefore, I hated myself.

I didn't like my empathy; therefore, I hated myself.

I didn't like my skin; therefore, I hated myself.

Or,

An ex raped me; I was damaged.

Men just wanted me for my body; I was unlovable.

Men told me to change my body; I wasn't enough.

My family neglected me; I was unworthy.

Friends judged me; I was broken.

Colleagues didn't accept me; I didn't belong.

I thought, "If nobody can love me, then it must all be true."

Loving myself wasn't even a thought or a possibility.

I chased love from others and gave away all of mine, my entire life.

I cried too many times, and I was angry all of the time.

I moulded, changed, and shrunk myself countless times to receive a crumb of love, even if it wasn't real. It became an addiction.

When I wasn't receiving it, I sat in hate and self-loathing. I meant nothing without their love. I didn't matter, so why should I keep living?

One of the first books I read when I was learning to love myself was The Mindful Path to Self‑Compassion. It helped me understand that self‑love isn’t about feeling good; it’s about treating yourself with kindness even when you’re hurting.

It taught me about radical self-acceptance, treating myself compassionately, and with patience.

It helped me humanize myself.

Reminding yourself that you're human is the first step to self-love.

Reminding yourself that hating yourself doesn't mean you can't love yourself unconditionally.

It saved my life.

Why Self‑Love Is the First Step in Healing

When you hate yourself, you believe you deserved all the pain, the abuse, the abandonment, and the neglect.

And then you start thinking, if nobody can love me, why should I?

The truth is: the fact that nobody can love you is a lie.

People CAN love you, but until you heal your people-pleasing, masking, shrinking, lack of boundaries, lack of honesty, incapability to receive love, self-loathing, negative self-talk, and lack of self-care, people will act accordingly.

The Law of attraction is something I deeply believe in because until I started healing and loving myself, I attracted people who didn't respect, value, or love me. Because I didn't either.

It's only when I truly loved myself that I finally started attracting people capable of reciprocating. Instead of wasting time with the wrong people, I made space for the right ones to find me.

Self-love creates a safe space.

It opens the door for self-awareness, truth, gratitude and forgiveness.

Self-awareness requires you to accept and have compassion for your survival and wounded Self.

Truth requires you to acknowledge and take accountability for your survival and wounded Self.

Gratitude requires you to be thankful for your survival and wounded Self.

And forgiveness requires you to forgive your survival and wounded Self.

Self-love is the key to the start of your healing path.

Self‑Love vs Self‑Like: The Difference That Changes Everything

In the past, I'd look in the mirror and notice all the things I didn't like about myself.

I didn't like my stomach or the cellulite, or how my heart was incapable of hating the ones who had hurt me.

I didn't like how I allowed others to make me feel guilty for saying no, or how I gave up my body to feel something.

I didn't like that I escaped stress with cigarettes, or how I yelled at my kids.

I shamed, blamed, and criticized myself for all of it.

But I also loved how I loved people. I loved my writing, resilience, resourcefulness, and creativity.

When I started healing, I also started reselling on Poshmark. There was a learning curve, and I cried a lot on the journey, but I kept going, learned, and made connections. I loved that I never gave up.

I realized that there could be many things that I didn't like about myself, but I could still love myself.

I looked at all the ways I loved others. I accepted their pain, fears, mistakes, and truths. My love was unconditional even when I didn't like their behaviours or certain personality traits.

I never truly hated anyone, except myself.

When I came across someone wounded, love was always the answer.

So I started treating myself the way I treated others.

I loved myself unconditionally, even when I didn't like something about myself.

What Self‑Love Actually Looks Like When You Hate Yourself

How do you go from hating yourself to loving yourself?

Well, it's not that simple.

It's not just a mindset shift or one decision, one time.

It's a choice that you make every minute of every day, especially in the hard times.

You know, when you're hurting, projecting, lashing out, or wanting to give up on life, and you wish someone would stick around and love you anyway?

When you're curled up, repeating to yourself that you mean nothing, someone reassures you that you matter, you reject it and push them away, but they stand their ground?

When you make a mistake, hurt someone you care about, and you shame yourself for being such a horrible person, and your partner, friend, or child forgives you anyway?

These are the moments you need to show yourself compassion, patience, and reassurance; sit with yourself, wrap your arms around yourself and repeat to yourself that you matter.

You need to be stronger than the other voices in your head.

But it's more than self-talk.

It's in your actions too.

It's in how you take care of yourself, even when you don't want to, like taking a shower, brushing your teeth, cooking a meal, taking a walk, and making your bed.

And it's also more than bubble baths.

It's saying no to people when you want to say no; it's being honest even if it hurts; it's doing what you want to do even when people judge; it's pursuing your passions even when people say you can't; it's pushing through even when you're scared.

It's ultimately choosing yourself over anything else.

Every. Single. Minute. Of. Every. Day.

Even when you hate yourself.

Especially when you hate yourself.

The Moment Self‑Love Saved Your Life

I hated myself for 10 years.

I hated my body, heart, emotions, binge eating disorder, anxiety, depression, addiction, fears, wounds, choices, and ultimately my life.

I wanted to disappear and be done with it, and I wanted to feel better at the same time.

The day I chose myself is when I decided to quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey, and it was also the day I chose solitude. I knew I couldn't get anywhere if I didn't silence the noise around me.

I knew quitting would mean my anxiety, depression, and everything else would be amplified, so I had to learn to show up for myself, stay aware of my symptoms and emotions, be honest with myself, and forgive myself.

I treated my quit like I was sick with the flu. I stayed away from people, slowed down, watched movies and comedies, stayed hydrated, nourished myself, and gave myself the safe space to heal. I also replaced the habit with healthy habits like taking more showers, writing in my journal, keeping track of my triggers, learning more about my symptoms, and speaking my truth on socials.

The more I chose myself, the more grateful I became for being me.

The more grateful I became for life.

I also did a lot of mirror work.

I would sit or stand in front of my mirror and look at myself. Since I had body image issues, I would stand there naked and look at myself. Not just look, but see beyond the surface.

I looked at my stomach and stretch marks and remembered how it was my babies' homes.

I looked at my fine, thin hair and was grateful that it was easy to maintain.

I looked at my legs and remembered that they've gotten me everywhere I needed to be.

I looked at my arms and remembered that they held the people I loved when they needed it.

I looked at my eyes, and that's when I saw myself for the first time.

I didn't see my pain, mistakes, cracks, or unworthiness.

I saw the little girl who just wanted to be loved, held, cherished, and accepted.

I saw the innocence of humanity.

I wasn't a defective object to be thrown out.

I was a person who had endured a lot of suffering and still deserved to be loved.

Self‑Love Practices That Actually Work

Self-talk

The way you talk to yourself matters.

A lot of our beliefs about ourselves come from how people talk to us and what they say about us. It starts in childhood with our parents. As a child, if you tell them every day of their lives that they don't matter, they'll eventually believe it.

It's the same for positive self-talk.

No matter what the thoughts and voices say, you need to make sure that your self-talk is compassionate, kind, understanding, reassuring and validating. The more you hear yourself speak to yourself with love, eventually, you'll believe what you say.

In the beginning, it was hard to do that. The inside voices and the false beliefs were too loud and too convincing. So I used affirmations and mantras as tools of loving self-talk. I didn't need to believe them instantly, as long as I kept saying them.

Here are a few things I did to unlearn the negative beliefs I had about myself;

• I would save a wallpaper on my phone and laptop of a quote so I would see it every day,

• I uploaded an affirmations app that would send me empowering reminders throughout the day,

• I created a visual board on my wall from pages of a magazine,

• I wrote poems,

• I read books about self-love and healing,

• I followed quote pages on socials.

Saying, reading, or even seeing loving words helped me undo the lies I believed about myself.

Mirror work

Spend some time in the mirror.

For me, it started with my body image, but for you it could be something else.

Here are a few things you could try;

• Stand in front of the mirror completely naked. Trace your body from head to toe with your eyes, noticing every line, curve, and imperfection. Then, name one positive thing about the parts you don't like. End with "I love you unconditionally",

• Look into your eyes for 1 minute. Try to see beyond the surface. Look into your heart and soul. Notice your humanity, your fragility and your resilience,

• Pretend you're talking to a friend. If a friend hated herself, what would you say to her?

• Pretend you're talking to your inner child or to a hypothetical child who's suffering from trauma. What would you say?

Rest

This is something I am still working on to this day.

• Intentionally make time for rest without guilt. Treat it as a date with yourself,

• Instead of equating rest with doing "nothing", turn it into a self-care ritual such as watching a movie, setting up a bathing ritual, taking a walk with headphones and music, visiting your nearest body of water, making some tea and reading a book,

• Dedicate one day to yourself. Do one thing that you love, whether it's a little shopping, visiting your favourite coffee shop, or exploring your creative side.

Boundaries

Setting boundaries unapologetically reinforces that you are deserving of respect and filters out the wrong people.

• Say no when you want to and don't justify with them with reasons,

• Speak up when someone hurts you or mistreats you,

• Communicate your dealbreakers and values,

• Walk away from harmful behaviour,

• Express your capacity to hold space or lack thereof

Healthy habits

Replacing unhealthy habits with healthier ones reinforces that you are valuable.

• Quit harmful addictions

• Drink more water

• Reduce your consumption of high-calorie foods

• Move your body

• Prioritize hygiene

• Treat yourself every once in a while

• Clean your space

• Cook for yourself instead of ordering out

• Educate yourself

• Start a hobby

• Buy yourself flowers

Accept your imperfections

Radical self-acceptance is the ultimate act of self-love. Once you accept, you can start the healing process.

• Accept the parts of yourself you don't like

• Accept your physical limitations

• Accept your sensitivities

• Accept your past selves

• Accept your struggles

• Accept your pain

• Accept your capacity levels

• Accept the damage that was done to you

Self-love is a practice just like healing is. It's a lifelong commitment, just like marriage, but with yourself.

You Don’t Have to Like Yourself to Start

Self-love is you running home and you waiting for yourself with arms wide open no matter what you look like, what you've done, or what you've been through.

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